So, here we are a while later.  My first concert in 8 years or so just completed, I’m feeling a lull in my ambition and drive.  Besides, spring has arrived, and after a long winter I just want to be in the gardens for a while!  I have made leaps in strength and accuracy, and begun to reform my vibrato.  My pinky knuckle still gives me fits, and refuses to move hardly at all in comparison with all the other finger.  Woe is me.  So I will keep on doing slow and methodical work on my vibrato alongside other goals.

Meanwhile, I am on a side road of discovery.   I have dropped my late 18th century violin off at the shop of Douglas Cox, a VT violin maker.  In exchange, I am now playing on his “Nightingale” violin for two weeks.  As he said, it will take a week for me to get to know the instrument, and another week to discover what I can do with it.

Never before have I given up my fiddle for another.  The fascinating part about playing another good instrument, is that it allows you to self examine in a way nothing else will.  I played on 8 or so of his violins for a couple of hours.  For some reason, this one felt the best.  There were others that had a nice tone, but this one played “smoothly”.  It has only been a few days, but already I am discovering things about my own playing that surprise me.  It turns out, some of my difficulties weren’t actually about me alone!  My violin has been secretly fighting me, in a number of ways.  Firstly, it is a beast.  It’s a large violin, played for generations by men, made for large man hands.  This one is only slightly smaller, but I can feel the difference.  Secondly, my violin is heavy.  This one is lighter.  I noticed that going up a D scale on this “Nightingale”, is much more seamless.  There is less bounce back, less sound breakage in changing fingers and strings on the way up.  It is perhaps a little less rich and dark in it’s tone, and there are new places that I notice some wolfing happening, or deadening of the strings, but overall it is much easier to play.

Something about the way the strings are vibrating makes them behave differently for me under the bow.  Maybe the string length is affecting me on my own violin?  Playing a different instrument is not all roses of course, and I still have miles to go before I’m satisfied with my own technique regardless of which violin I’m playing.  Still, it’s a gift to have a bit more understanding about the challenges I’m facing.  I dare not fall in love, yet.  The price tag for a new violin for many of us is out of the question.  But it’s the start to a journey of discovery that I hope to make.  Who knows, maybe I’ll find a few other violins that can teach me.  Best of all, I hope to reacquaint myself with my violin with fresh ears and a new sense of discovery.

Happy Practicing!

Sometimes when you are making big changes, you reach a plateau where you need to sit down and take a breath.  Take stock.  Change can be scary, and sometimes you need to pause and let things sink in.  In the midst of this change in my vibrato, and hand position, I realized that I’m not quite sure where I’m going with it all.  I find that I’m oddly at peace with this.  I didn’t like where I was, and I leaped into the unknown.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  That said, it is perfectly appropriate to mull over and stew in your creative juices a while to let the mud sift to the bottom, and the clarity rise to the top.  I will often berate myself for taking a day without practice.  With two young kids, my practice life is hard enough to come by!  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.  Last night, I practiced until my wrist ached, and my finger tips were sore.  But…today is a day of rest.  Music is never far from my mind, but the rigors of how to produce that music can be wearing.  It’s ok.  I give myself permission to contemplate quietly and resist the urge to force my tired self to work.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully it will bring with it a bit of clarity and direction to move me along my path of discovery.

I have decided that my vibrato is holding me back.  Now, that is a scary thing to try and relearn after 38 years of playing the violin.  So, I have examined many  examples of various types of vibratos, in video, audio, and in self observation, and there are oh SO many wonderful players out there to observe.  (I will list a few of the ones that inspired me over my lifetime, and particularly in this recent challenge, below this entry.)

Here is what I’ve learned so far on my journey.   I have been allowing myself to change my hand position, simply to achieve a certain width and speed of vibrato that is my ultimate goal.  Instead of keeping my hand in an efficient and close AND consistent position, (and instead wobbling my wrist straight towards me, with enough back and forth on the pads of my fingers), I have been standing up on the tips of my fingers and using my whole arm to achieve the sound I want from my vibrato.  This makes for huge inconsistencies in my hand position, as each finger has a slightly different angle, and needs a unique hand/arm adjustment to achieve the sound I’m going for.  Every time I adjust for each finger and it’s various needs (more or less pad, or a different angle to the fingerboard) I shift my position of the hand and fingers to each other and the fingerboard.  Although I’ve made it work for such a long time, it is impossible to achieve what I truly want without fundamental change.  SO.  I decided to train myself to have a hand/wrist vibrato (and even a little finger vibrato perhaps)  instead, which I can use to form my own unique vibrato.  First, I am training hard to grow muscle and strength in my hand in ways I never have had before.  At this age, the flexibility is much less, and the frustration along the way much more.   Everything is done slowly, with intense focus on the action I am developing.  I do not allow room for going backwards.  No playing old pieces with old habits.  I am taking works which I am preparing for a concert in the spring, and although I have already learned them for months using my old technique, this does not matter.  I will go through one movement slowly, using only my wrist vibrato, and watch carefully how this may affect fingerings, and string crossings, and phrasing.  Additionally, I am adding Bach back into my daily practice, in order to have some deeply challenging works to apply these new ideas.   Only a week into this project, and I am having major breakthroughs.  First.  My intonation is better.  Second.  My double stops are far better, and more connected between string crossings.  Third.  My trills are suddenly twice the speed I’ve achieved before, simply because of this adjustment in angle and form.  I’m astounded and the leaps I have made in such a short time.   Playing Bach feels like a whole other experience, now that I can see my way forward to improving the connections between each finger and string crossing.  And, the options in keeping phrasing afloat are so much better when I’m not wasting huge amounts of energy on a large arm vibrato in long held passages.  For the first time in over 20 years, I am making large improvements in my playing.  What a thing!!  I am only at the beginning, but I am hopeful.  And, best of all I am enjoying and having fun and CELEBRATING the process along the way.  My mother would be so proud.

My list of inspirational violinists…some gone and some still making music.

My father Jon Toth

Anne Sophie-Mutter

Hilary Hahn

Julia Fischer

Janine Jansen

David Oistrach

Oscar Shumsky

(And a few cellists)

My mother Elizabeth Brunton

Pablo Casals

Sol Gabetta

I have decided to rearrange my technique as a classically trained violinist.  It began years ago, when as an adult with two small children, and helping to care for our ailing mother, I stopped progressing as a violinist.   I no longer had time for the hyper focused practicing, nor the energy to really decipher what the challenges were that I was facing.  I hobbled along, keeping my toe in the bucket, but I never really swam.   Now, I am done with waiting.  I’ll turn 42 this summer.  Now is the time.  As my mother, who was a wonderful cellist and singer,  was passing away from cancer last year, she said something beautiful to us.  Her last clear words to us were “Celebrate now”.

Celebrate.  Life can be difficult and feel like a slog.  When you are grieving and drained of all joy, it can get very dark.  So, I’m reaching for things to celebrate.  Each sunrise, each small victory raising with young boys.  I even celebrate hard work.  I’m digging deep.  Gone is the voice telling me I can’t get any better.  I will not listen.  Come back and follow my progress!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton